As a consumer, once in a blue moon you find yourself in the position of having to write to a company to complain. Sometimes it's difficult to find the words. Sometimes you find the words, send them and receive no response. We've provided a guided complaint form that will at least make you realize that you're out of luck before hitting the send button. No more waiting around for a refund or endless days tapping your fingers on the desk hoping that we'll respond. What else would you expect from a crummy pseudo-company like MudSoup.com? We don't operate out of a shed in the middle of nowhere for nothing. We're not hoping to satisfy you, but we sure are satisfied with our new complaint department.

We realize that occasionally our visitors feel like whining. Though your complaints are unfounded, we can assure you that our staff isn't listening and really doesn't give a damn. All complaints are immediately discarded or responded to by our crack staff of amateur attorneys. We don't take threats lightly and ours are composed in such a way as to scare the living daylights out of you and make you wish you hadn't been resuscitated that time that you slipped and fell into your neighbor's septic tank.

In order to assure a timely and appropriate non-response from us, please copy and paste the following form letter into your email window, filling in each of the blanks with your own information. Once you have completed the form, send it to us at extortionattempt at MudSoup.com.

 

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Dear MudSoup.com,

I deeply regret wasting your time and will understand completely if you delete this email. I have a little problem with the ______ that your ______ company shipped to me this week. JoAnn in the customer service department threatened to ___ me and she told me to __________ myself, but in hindsight I believe she was just doing her job. I also realize that JoAnn's assessment of me as an ____________ was correct. I would like a refund, but I also realize that you have a business to run and people like me are generally a pain in the corporate ______.

Oh nevermind. Keep the $____. I'll feel good just knowing that my money may help make the owner's ____  _________ surgery possible. I know now that I should get off my _____ and get a ______ instead of writing to you like this.

Thank you for making the internet a real pain in the ___ and I'll close by saying that the customer service at MudSoup.com makes me _________ and encourages me to _______ myself from the nearest railroad trestle.

Apologetically Yours,

___________________________

 

There, now don't we all feel better now?