Why waste your time wondering what will happen this month when you can consult MudSoup.com's monthly horoscopes? Our astrologers have extensive training in cosmetology and are here to serve you.

Aries - March 21 - April 20

After your dentist administers laughing gas, you giggle and tell him that he looks exactly like the composite drawing of a serial killer in Boston. June will be a bad month for you and your teeth.

 

Taurus - April 21 - May 21

Mid June finds you realizing that riding a bull while wearing a cow costume is much more difficult than it looks on tv.

 

Gemini - May 22 - June 21

For years you've been haunted by dreams where you find yourself at a public bus stop and panic when you realize that you're wearing nothing but your socks. When the sheriff's deputy shows up with an arrest warrant, they don't seem like dreams anymore.

 

Cancer - June 22 - July 22

During your liposuction surgery, your surgeon is informed that your check bounced. Remember, your glass isn't half empty. Your thigh and left buttock are.

Leo - July 23 - August 21
You realize why they're called the "jaws of life" after finding your head caught in the toilet seat display at the home improvement store.

Virgo - August 22 - September 23

Two years of yoga lessons finally pay off when you discover that you can surprize your boss by stuffing yourself into the desk drawer in his office. Unfortunately, while you're in there, you find your termination papers.

 

Libra - September 24 - October 23

You'll come into alot of money this month when you fall into the nickle machine during a tour of the Denver mint. Don't dispair, dear Libra. The "E Pluribus Unum" on your forehead makes you look smart.

 

Scorpio - October 24 - November 22

A large man with a big nose will offer to help you change a flat tire this month. You would be wise to refrain from telling big nose jokes while he has the tire iron in his hand.

 

Sagittarius - November 23 - December 22

In late June, you'll find yourself feeling bored and dissatisfied with your life. They say people who throw stones shouldn't live in glass houses. This old adage takes on new meaning when a nude raquetball game results in serious injury.

 

Capricorn - December 23 - January 20

You've always wondered what it would be like to free fall from an airplane. Don't. When it comes to opening your chute, you're a slow, uncoordinated klutz.

 

Aquarius - January 21 - February 19

You finally have the courage to throw him out. Unfortunately, when you pull into the driveway, you find him caught in the luggage rack.

 

Pisces - February 20- March 20

The depth of your relationship with your father-in-law becomes apparent when he begins digging a shallow grave next to the garage in the backyard.