The Night Before Christmas  E-mail
Wednesday, 19 September 2007

(I wrote this poem a few years ago when I was a serious aquarium hobbyist and in my "wrecking classic poetry" phase)


‘Twas the night before Christmas. I crept up to his house.
I saw him through the window, asleep on the couch.
As I peered through the darkness, he snored like a train.
I broke the window and I let myself in.

The restraining order lay there amid the clutter.
Framed in the darkness, a photo of his mother.
She smiled as I drew with a permanent marker,
A mustache, a hat and a nose so much larger.
Then in the darkness, I heard a strange sound.
As I watched him roll over, I saw my nightgown.

As I looked upon him; he in my clothes,
His unshaven legs wearing my pantyhose!
My heart filled with anger! My mascara ran!
I reached for my purse and went on with my plan.
If he tried to stop me, he’d stagger and fall.
He can’t run in heels! They’re mine! They’re too small!

I went into the den and I closed the door.
There by the wall was what I had come for.
I touched it. I felt it. I counted it up.
That’s when I knew that I’d need his truck.

My Aquarium! My Heater! My driftwood! My stand!
My lights! My cover! My eyeliner? My plants!
To the toilet with buckets! To the floor overflow!
Plunge away! Plunge Away! I plunged the bowl!

The toilet was filling the floor in the den.
The plunger was useless. That’s when I ran.
My arms filled with driftwood, gravel and glass,
I slipped in the water and fell on my ass.

I gathered my senses and made for the truck.
I reached for the tailgate and opened it up.
Back to the den for my heater and hose.
Into his closet to reclaim my clothes!
I crept to the couch to locate the keys.
As I kneeled near his head, I let out a sneeze.

Then in a heartbeat, his train jumped the track!
As he jumped to his feet, I fell onto my back.
Clutching the truck keys, I ran for the door.
He staggered. He stumbled. He fell on the floor.
I started the engine and adjusted the seat.
Put the truck in reverse and made for the street.

As I backed down the driveway I felt a big thump
I knew in an instant 'twas not a speed bump.
He in my nightgown, me in his truck.
He would call the police if I didn’t give up.
My life was in danger so I reached for my purse.
I took a few photos, put the truck in reverse.

He in his heels stumbled into the street.
Lights began flashing. It was the police.
He staggered and stumbled to make it inside.
I reached for the lever and put it in drive.
I yelled as I watched the police in the mirror,
“Shave your legs Ernie! Have a happy New Year!”
 
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