My ISP is down and I’m feeling very bored, so I thought we’d talk about farts today. My Labrador’s doggy bed is situated a few feet from my desk and as I’ve been twiddling my thumbs here, wondering what the meaning of my existence could possibly be without the internet. I’ve come to several interesting conclusions.

Until now, I never realized how often my dog farts. As farts go, there is nothing that smells quite as putrid as a dog fart. Right now, I’m enveloped in an invisible cloud of farts. Have you ever noticed that dog farts smell an awful lot like whatever brand dog food that you feed the dog? It’s true. I can tell the difference between a cheap store brand fart, and a premium fart. If you have to live with a farting dog, I recommend premium food over the cheap stuff. Then there’s the difference between a good, premium, wet fart and a silent-but-deadly, cheap fart. If you’re expecting company, spring for the good dog food. The advantage of a premium, wet fart is in the sound effect. If you’re like me and not a big conversationalist, a nice wet fart does wonders for breaking the ice with house guests. And it’s a pretty effective way to offend and alienate the in-laws.

Cats fart, but almost always are much too dignified to fart out loud. I think cats have developed greater control of their sphincters, which may explain why a civilization as advanced and sophisticated as the Egyptians appreciated cats so much and included depictions of cats so often in their art and hieroglyphics. Cats were often mummified and left in the tombs to follow their owners into the afterlife. What self-respecting Egyptian king or queen would want to take a farting dog into the afterlife? If you’re heading toward the next life and want to make a good impression, leave your dog at home.

Goldfish apparently fart. I’ve had goldfish but I can’t say that I’ve seen or smelled a goldfish fart, but there was actually some research done not so long ago which concluded that goldfish use farts as a form of communication.

Fart communication isn’t such a revelation for me though, since my husband does that already. My husband is quite the accomplished farter. One of my most memorable experiences early in our marriage was the time that he caught me completely off guard, climbed on top of me and pulled the bedding over my head. For an instant I wondered if I had married a serial killer. His face became contorted, he grimaced and unloaded his canon! He held me under for a while but finally removed the covers after I screamed and gasped for air for several minutes. I think this behavior could be compared to pack behavior in dogs and possibly could be interpreted as a gesture of acceptance into his pack. Sweet.

Speaking of farting in bed, have you ever wondered if you fart out loud in your sleep? Humor me and say yes.

My husband snores like a freight train. Tucked ever so delicately between the snores is the occasional juicy, long, wet fart. Several months ago, I became worried about his breathing pattern while he slept and wondered if he might have sleep apnea. Sleep apnea is a dangerous condition that can cause a person to stop breathing in their sleep. I set about observing him as he slept and came to the conclusion that what I was really seeing wasn’t sleep apnea at all. Every time he paused and held his breath he was really just subconsciously savoring his most recent fart.

Have you ever noticed that men do that? They savor their farts the way a wine taster sips and savors each taste of wine. A man will fart, then puff his chest out and proclaim, “Now THAT was my finest fart yet!” Men actually rate their farts according to certain criteria. A long, dry fart is inferior to a long or short, wet fart. The wetter a fart sounds, the higher it ranks on the fart-o-meter. And let us not overlook the stink factor. A long, dry, incredibly stinky fart sometimes ranks much higher than a long, wet fart, simply because it smells so horribly overwhelming.

Finally, there’s the velocity factor. Men consider the ultimate fart to be one that is long, wet, incredibly stinky AND released at such a high velocity that it’s almost what you might call a projectile fart. Careful though, an actual projectile is a bad, bad thing. Trust me. You can tell when a man has just released an ultimate fart by what he says immediately after farting, such as, “Oh, honey did I get some on you?” or “By Golly, I’d better run that thing into the shop for service!”

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