I’m convinced that the top two ailments most often seen in the aquarium hobby are back discomfort and hemorrhoids. The average hobbyist never thinks twice about mentioning his back pain but when it comes to hemorrhoids, we stay away from the deep end.

The first time that I noticed hemorrhoids was about three years ago. At that time, I had an eel named Gerome. Gerome normally was a happy-go-lucky fellow. As I observed him, I noticed that his face appeared to be very red and his lips were puckered. This had to be serious.

The real trouble began as I carried the bucket of water over to the aquarium for a water change. As you know, five gallons of water weighs 40 pounds. That kind of weight can really strain the ol’ drain.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head as I noticed a huge, cauliflower-like bulge protruding from Gerome’s anus. I immediately recognized this bulge as a hemorrhoid. Not that I’ve actually seen hemorrhoids, but my instincts said "hemorrhoids" so I went with it. Besides, I had an appointment to have my legs waxed, so time was of the essence and a quick diagnosis was critical.

Of course, I consulted every book that I had on the shelf, but was dismayed to realize that not one of those so-called fish authorities had a word to say about hemorrhoids in eels. This pathetic lack of expert knowledge didn’t distract me from the task at hand. Like so many pioneers before me, I muttered a few expletives under my breath, grabbed my car keys off the shelf and quickly drove to my local fish store for hemorrhoid ointment for eels.

Upon arriving at the fish store, I was greeted by a very bright young man with blue hair and a nose ring. I explained that Gerome has hemorrhoids and that I needed a cream or ointment right away. He said, "Yah.....that sucks" and disappeared into the back room. He returned a few minutes later carrying absolutely nothing and looking as though he had failed me completely. He explained that he had carefully checked every shelf and couldn’t find the ointment that I needed, but he had sent a request by email to one of the aquarium pharmaceutical companies for a product recommendation.

Undaunted, I rushed home and inserted a meat thermometer into...

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the roast that I was cooking. It’s important to prioritize, so I finished dinner and went to have my legs waxed. If you’ve never been waxed, you have no idea how inspiring the experience is. It is during a wax that I have my best, most inspiring moments. This waxing was no exception. A few of my brain cells collided and there it was - grease! Well, not just grease. Gerome needed a tuck too. The question was, how to hold on long enough to grease the eel AND do the tuck. This was going to require a very steady hand and anesthesia, so I had a few glasses of wine and began to prepare for the procedure.

Having pets involves sacrifice and this was going to hurt. Without hesitation I trimmed my $120 designer nails and donned rubber medical gloves. My eyes watered and I fought back tears as I threw the last nail into the garbage. It was then that I prayed I’d win at Bingo on Friday night.

I located a product meant to improve the slime coat on fish. This substance was greasy enough to do the job, yet possibly safe for fish. I carefully coaxed Gerome from under a rock. He promptly inflicted a bite, causing pain that I can only compare to getting an earring caught in an office machine. In the ensuing struggle the grease gushed from the tube, coating Gerome’s underbelly. As his greasy body slid through my hand, I felt a squeaky sensation, followed by a "pop". The eel was greased and I had successfully managed to retract Gerome’s Hemorrhoid!

Gerome returned to his normal routine and never had further problems. I didn’t win at Bingo, but a few weeks later I won a radio trivia contest. The question that I had to answer was, "Who played Mary Tyler Moore in the Mary Tyler Moore television series?" Well, duh! I was always good at trivia ;)